The Journey of My Abortion

It was a very somber ride to the airport.

I dunno, even when I think back on it now,

it feels like an out of body experience.

Like I still sometimes feel like, how did this happen to us?

We were sitting at a bar, like right by the gate

and Zach was like, this is the first time where

like sitting here taking a trip

and like, neither of us want to get on the plane.

And then Thursday morning,

I think our appointment was at 10:30.

So we went and we sat in that small waiting room.

That was the first moments where it hit me

that this is incredibly unfair.

I don't know these doctors. I don't know this place.

I'm away from my children and my home.

Like all of that stuff.

It just all hit me in that like,

weight of like how unfair this is.

The politics of the state didn't even come into our thoughts

in moving here and being South African,

it was never on the forefront of my mind.

We love living here. Our boys are being raised here.

They're both born here.

We did wanna have three. Three is always our number.

We started trying for a third,

and then we found out we were pregnant

and it was just huge excitement.

Yeah. Everything was progressing normally.

Went from my regular like OB visits

and that like 20 week scan, you know,

that's where you see like, fingers, toes, face.

And we had a junior technician who started the scan

and she kept like, going back to his brain and his heart.

[calm music]

So they started talking to us in the way that they could

about what our options were.

They said if I were to progress in the pregnancy,

which the way things were going,

they weren't sure if that was,

if I would even make it to term,

that they wouldn't be able to care for me at that hospital

because he would need an advanced level of care.

The other option, which they brought up very cautiously,

would be to terminate the pregnancy.

Knowing that I'm talking to a doctor

who is trained and capable of performing that procedure,

is sitting right in front of me and they can't even do that,

just kind of adds that extra sting to it all.

It was after that appointment that I called my OB,

she said, I'm not pro-life, I'm not pro-choice,

I'm pro patient and if I were you I would terminate.

So she called her friends and sent me names of two places

and at that point, like, I have to make those phone calls.

And that was really, really, really tough.

You have to say that I want to have an abortion,

which is like, you know,

this was a very wanted pregnancy and a wanted baby.

And so that next week it was just figuring out

logistics of like, who's gonna stay with the kids.

We like, booked our, the guy who drives us to the airport

and it was a very somber ride to the airport.

We were treated really well on the flight

and at the end of the flight,

one of the flight attendants came on the intercom and said,

I've taken a lot of trips in my life,

and I know not everyone is going to Disneyland

and some people are here to do something very hard.

Yeah.

And so we were of course like, sobbing.

And then Thursday morning,

I think our appointment was at 10:30, they called me in

and they start with an ultrasound.

And it was then that we learned day one

is when his heart stops, which we didn't know.

Thought we had another night with him.

They gave us the room to ourselves.

We just told him how much we loved him.

And I sang

You Are My Sunshine,

which is the same song I sing to my boys every night.

And then they're done and they say,

I'm sorry for your loss.'

And we just had some time.

[somber music]

And then after that,

they begin the process of what will be labor.

So my sister-in-Law picked us up from the clinic

and took us back to the hotel and we like,

spent the evening with her and she bought dinner.

And then in the morning at 8:00 AM I was to take two pills.

And then we got back to the clinic,

things started to progress quickly around 4:00 PM.

I started bleeding very heavily and like,

had really intense contractions.

And I went into the room

where they were gonna deliver him.

So I was sedated for the delivery.

So he came in a little Moses basket

and they covered him with a special blanket and cap

that we had bought for him, which had little cars on it.

And they had his hat crooked over his face

'cause he didn't have an eye.

We picked him up and both of us had time to hold him,

and we are the last people there.

And there was also a snowstorm happening.

So, you know, people needed to get home.

Zach said, Should we like, go?

And I was like, No, I'm not leaving him here.

Like, he called the nurse in to come take him away.

And I think as a mother you just,

your role is to protect your children,

and you just want them to be warm and safe.

And the thought of like,

I had the blankets and he was not,

you know, swaddled and warm is...

Yeah. And now we had to leave him behind.

The next day all I wanted to do was not get out of bed

and I was forced to have to go to a airport

and be in public, sit there amongst everybody else

as if I didn't just give birth the day before.

And I wanted to get home to my boys,

but then I was leaving my other son behind.

Honestly, in those first few months,

nothing seemed important anymore.

I guess the biggest thing that has changed

is even though I've always been pro-choice,

I've never like, given much consideration

to the weekly timeline of things.

But now that I've had this experience,

and given that I was only able to get the procedure

that I needed at 24-plus weeks,

I just think there should be no week restrictions.

Just by taking something away

isn't going to stop people from doing it.

Just making it a whole lot more traumatic for them.

I want to believe that everyone is good.

Every single person that we spoke to

and shared our story with has only provided us

with love and kindness and empathy.

And I do think that if we can just hear stories like this

and realize like how complex this issue is,

maybe things will change.

[somber music]